She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
