Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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