We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
