Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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