i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I'm passing your future prison.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
