Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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