Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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