A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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