Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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