maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
i need some magic done to my vagina
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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