Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
