I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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