Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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