just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
