I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
