I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Found the puke drawer
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
