What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
