I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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