turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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