I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
