i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
