My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
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