So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
