I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
whose parrot is this?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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