I wish my penis had an off switch
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
