Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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