Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Randomize
