If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
