I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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