she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Green mimosas i think yes
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
