At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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