I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
