Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
ttyl tear gas
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
