phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Randomize
