I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
