Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
