brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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