i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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