i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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