I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
