Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
