my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Randomize
