I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
