Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
