I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
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