apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
