You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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