Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
