i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
