How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
