Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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