I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
