Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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